If you are coming into the game late, a little background: After suffering a decade of writer's block and finally making a big break-through, I swore last month, starting February 9th, that I would write a poem every single day, even if only a limerick or a haiku. For honor to be served, I must create something new every 24 hours...So even if there's not a journal entry proper, there will be an entry for the day.

1-March-2000, Wednesday

Words getting harder to scrape up. I think it's the lack of mental stimulation while spending all my time in bed recuperating...

I've been reading a lot lately
And other authors' voices
Are thundering in my head
So it's hard to hear my own little voice
Whispering softly
Words of my own instead

Later: I must be on the road to recovery. I dragged myself out of bed and I actually turned on my desktop computer for the first time in ages and installed (finally, two weeks after I bought it) the game "Pharaoh." I spent a happy two hours building my little nomadic tribe into a mildly prosperous town. I'm still on the lower level, so I can't build monuments like the Sphinx yet, but I'm up to temples and shrines and minor entertainments like jugglers and booths. A little escapism to pass the time.

I'm having fast food cravings! Isn't that pathetic?! I'm so used to my lunchtime fix of junk food... I REALLY want a Taco Bell chalupa and an encherito with green sauce!

I started reading Simon Green's "Deathstalker" today. Mike has been engrossed with them for the past few weeks. He's on book 3, and he loaned me the first. It's a light-hearted, rip-roaring space opera! Lots of space battles, double-dealing aristocrats, churning underground rebel groups of all kinds, and a reluctant hero and disreputable heroine at the center of it. Just good clean fun until I get ready for (and can devote my full attention to) the new Honor Harrington book.

2-March-2000, Thursday

I'm staring at the clock. 10:40 PM. There is not a thought in my head. We're talking hard vacuum, folks. I've surprised there's not a vast void where my immediate presence used to be. I've been babysitting a neighbor's African Gray parrot. He has an extremely limited vocabulary and a very loud voice, unlike my quaker parrots, who have soft voices (most of the time) and have fun finding new configurations of words and sounds. Anyway, Ellie the African Gray has this one particular sound he loves to make more than any other: the sound of a dripping sink. Twwww-WOCK! Hours and hours of this dripping noise in a stentorian voice that carries through walls. I liken it to the Chinese water torture.

I must be getting better if I've got the energy to be cranky.

tattered teddy
patched and worn
collecting dust
sad and forlorn

long-lost friend
who absorbed my tears
my huggy bear
who calmed my fears

honorably accorded
a place apart
for the love
still in my heart

tattered teddy
faithful friend
deserves a hug
now and then

3-March-2000, Friday

::grimace::

Bah humbug!

Went to work today. Mistake, mistake, mistake. I felt sufficiently recovered last night and decided I would go to work. Then my boss called very early this morning while I was in the shower. He left a message asking that if I wasn't coming in, to please call, because he had conflicting events scheduled and he needed me to cover one. ::sigh:: I have been calling every morning before a certain time to let him know I would NOT be in. He asked in his message that if I WASN'T coming in to call. But I WAS coming in, so I DIDN'T call. :) So, I'm rushing about, trying to get ready and he calls again, wanting to know if I was coming in. If he wanted to know if I was coming in, then he should have asked me to call if I WAS coming in, right? :)

So I showed up at work in time to walk the half mile from my office to my primary area of responsibility (ah, the efficiency of bureaucracies!) and take on 50+ third graders. Well, it beats trying to round up, seat and quiet down 100+ kindergartners! Walking back to my office, I realized I should have driven between buildings, because I was in a cold sweat, coughing and (ugly imagery) spitting up phlegm all the way back. I collapsed back into my office gratefully. I think I moved more in those two hours than in the last 4 days! I had seriously overtaxed my strength! After sitting like a lump on my office couch for 15 minutes, I started feeling human again--then I got a phone call--I had forgotten to lock my area and a teacher had wandered in with her son and wanted an impromptu tour. I managed to beg off the tour over the phone because it takes a good 20 minutes to power up the facility and we just weren't prepared to put on a dog and pony show at a moment's notice, plus my voice wasn't up to it yet, but I still had to go back over there regardless and lock up. Unfortunately, this was at the peek congestion time of our area's parking lot and getting a spot was a hopeless task, so I had to walk back again just to find that someone had kindly locked the door for me... ARGH!

Tonight I had to go to work again, something I'm getting really tired of... I don't mind putting in an 80 hour week when we have a big deadline; heck, I've worked some 90 and 100 hour weeks! But I'm having to come in every Friday night because we can't find anyone without a life who is willing to work Friday and Saturday nights! I guess the irritating part is that it is not enough extra hours to get me into overtime, just straight-time, which just isn't worth it. It could be worse (she said sulkily) and I could be working Saturday nights instead--which my boss is doing--but it actually works out better for both of us this way. He and his wife traditionally take a Friday night as a "date night" and he only lives a mile or two from work, so taking two and a half hours from Saturday night doesn't impact him as badly.

After work the second time, we went to Vlad's house. Vlad got a fancy new high-end Sony DVD player in today; his Phillips was starting to skip noticeably. So to test it, naturally the guys picked, "The Matrix." Sounds great, looks great, the only feature lacking in the Sony is the ability to zoom into the picture. I stuck around for a bit, visited with the cats, whom I have missed greatly this past week. I was quite disappointed, no RK or Butch to greet me outside. I stood and called for them and shook my little can of Pounce cat treats, but, alas, no response...BUT...I could swear I heard soft little meows from under Vlad's house, so I wonder if RK had her kittens finally! Later on Butch showed up, swaggering. He had managed to ditch his flea collar (note to self: GET NEW FLEA COLLAR BEFORE THE WEATHER GETS MUCH WARMER!) and he had some new war wounds, most noticeably a long, nasty scratch from above one eye to his ear. He's a warrior, my Butch.

Is it possible Sydney has gotten fatter in just a few days? Blanche has actually started putting some meat on her bones finally--she has been on the skinny side for a long time. Oh, my, I guess I finally now realized that they aren't really kittens anymore, they are cats!

with or without my approval
time marches on inexorably
dragging me behind her
on a chain made of moments
past and passing
shackles composed of seconds
used and wasted

prisoner though i am
i'd prefer to follow
upright and standing
on my feet
eyes open
spirit defiant
seizing these chains and shackles
and wringing their magic
by living them

4-March-2000, Saturday

solitude is sometimes necessary
to recharge the batteries of the soul
it's not always synonymous with loneliness
not if you are at peace with yourself
you might find you are good company
when you are a party of one

Pardon me for the editorial comment, but BARF!. Just trust me, I'm scraping the bottom of the creative barrel tonight! It might have something to do with the three margaritas I had for dinner. We found a little hole-in-the-wall Tex Mex place called "Abuella Della's" which served pretty decent food and had cheap drinks ($1.50 during happy hour!).

Today was home theatre day at Vlad's. We watched (Vlad for the first time) "Tampopo" on DVD and then Jet Li's "Fist of Legend" on tape. I guess it was a foreign film festival. :) At Wal-Mart I saw they had "Fist of Legend" dubbed on DVD. I may pick it up; it's an iffy thing--dub jobs can be pretty bad--but the subtitles are very hard to read on the tape.

Still no sign of RK. Hope she's okay! Butch is hanging around quite a bit, begging for attention.

5-March-2000, Sunday

No one has seen RK since Thursday night. I'm rather worried about her! I know she has probably made herself a hidden nest to protect her kittens from Butch; I just wish I knew where so I could bring her food or at least make it more accessible. ::sigh::

Butch has been hanging around quite a bit. Usually he shows up when he thinks there might be attentive humans about. He's a real brawler with other cats, but he's oddly gentle with humans. I wish I could express what an odd dichotomy it is, this big, battle-scarred, white tomcat with squinty light blue eyes reaching up with his huge paws, oh, so gently, claws carefully tucked away, to grasp a treat from my fingers. His touch is so delicate that at first I thought he had been de-clawed! He'll occasionally bite if you touch one of his numerous war wounds, but it's never hard, never enough to break the skin or cause pain. It's more a grasping with his mouth, letting you know, "Hey, matey, that hurts. Go easy." He's so socialized with humans, I know he was once a well-loved pet. I really wish I could somehow find out his history or could emulate Dr. Dolittle and have a conversation--I bet Butch would have a colorful story to tell! When we went out the door of Vlad's place, once Butch realized we were all leaving, he found a clump of decorative grass and plunked himself down in the midst of it so only the gleaming white top of his head and eyes were visible. It was a Kodak moment! We all had to stop and stare because he couldn't have been cuter if he had tried! I cursed the fact I had left my digital camera inside.

Today was rather unique. We went to lunch with Mike's mom and grandmother and they were still all dressed up since they came straight from church to Red Lobster. Mike's mom was resplendent in a bright red bowler hat and his grandmother had a summer skimmer with a black bow cascading down the back. They had such an old-fashioned elegance, I had to smile. They were, however, far from the only women wearing hats at the restaurant. One woman had an extravagant white confection of silk and lace that formed a big poof on the top--she looked like she had a meringue on her head, all she needed was the cherry to finish it off!

We wandered about Target after lunch. I got the wild notion which was heartily encouraged by the guys of tinkering with the hair. It's looking dull and lifeless lately, particularly between the flu and bronchitis, so I picked out a nice shade of "Cinnaberry"...very close to my actual color (which is "Dark Medium Brown" according to the swatches of hair by Clairol), just a bit more auburn. :) I don't know when I'll do it, I would like to get my hair styled/permed first. :) Just call it, "The high school reunion is coming and I'm such a mess" blues. :)

We knocked about the malls and a few shops when Dale called asking if we wanted to go see "Drowning Mona" with him. I had to wince a bit because I had read the reviews. Mike and Vlad liked the movie; I didn't get a chance to ask Dale what he thought. Personally, I thought the movie was rather flat. The trailer we had seen last week gave away one of the BIG punch lines, which really bothered me when I saw it in context. Only Bette Midler seemed to have the required over-the-top energy that a movie like this begs for. Casey Affleck's monotone annoyed me immensely. I couldn't help regret that I had missed "King of the Hill", "The Simpsons", "Futurama" and "Malcom in the Middle" to see the movie--I would have laughed more.

Afterwards we had some great Chinese take-out over at Vlad's place.

tired, yet not sleepy
i roll restlessly in bed
wishing desperately
i was asleep instead
the mental gears
continue to turn
and my inner turmoil
continues to churn
denying me
the serenity
of sleep

6-March-2000, Monday

I am about to drop in my tracks. At the movie yesterday I had my first caffeine in weeks, a few sips of Mike's Diet Pepsi. I couldn't sleep. My mind wouldn't stop. My body was incredibly tired, but I just couldn't shut down and relax. I finally dropped off at 3 in the morning. Then noise in the street woke me up at 6:00 AM. Miserable!

So I sat at work, head pounding with a horrible, persistent headache. This weekend proved to me I'm far from 100 percent. I get tired too quickly. Just walking around the mall a bit wore me out!

Last week Vlad put my Toshiba Libretto up for auction on E-bay for me. He has bought and sold several items on e-bay and has an established reputation, so he kindly handled the sale for me. So far, it's up to $500. Tomorrow the auction closes. My fingers are crossed!

Later:

Talk about relief! After work, Mike and Vlad met me at my office; the guys have class Mondays and Wednesdays, so they normally get a light supper to see them through the two hours. Anyway, so we all loaded into Vlad's car (since Mike and I both drive Camaros and no one wants to sit in the back seat of our cars) and grabbed a bite at Wendy's. When we got back, I had a note on my car from my boss--I didn't understand it at all! It said that the organizer he found on top of Mike's car was on my desk in my office. Huh? Then Mike walked up--he had a note on his car, too! Evidently when we left and Mike had stopped to put his textbooks in the car, he had put his Visor on the roof and had forgotten about it! Mike's car is dark green and the Visor and its custom leather case are both bright orange, so I'm not sure how we all managed to overlook it, but we did! Luckily, my boss had spotted it and figured it belonged to one of us, so he put it on my desk for safekeeping! I swear, Mike has the toughest time with his Visor!

RK turned up! I stopped by after work to feed Butch and she came running up to the car, meowing for food! She's definitely thinner! So any doubts about whether she was pregnant have been put to rest in my mind! She was ravenous. When I bent to feed her some cat treats, I had to count my fingers after! I guess she has to find the right moment to leave the kittens behind so she can fend for herself and dodge Butch at the same time. I'm just so relieved to know she's okay.

Editor's note: [Insert poem here. It was bound to happen. My predilection of writing poetry on whatever scrap of paper is close at hand finally caught up with me--the poem was written and is most likely stuck in a book in my car. It will be added when it is found.]

Editor's addendum: Okay, I found it. :) On re-reading, it wouldn't have been much of a loss if I hadn't. :)

i won't apologize for being me
i won't hide my eccentricity
i won't conform to the norms
or adhere to the standard forms

i have a need to be unique
even if some label me a freak
i have a voice i want to have heard
to speak my soul in my own words

7-March-2000, Tuesday

Another night of short sleep rations. This is getting old quickly. Tonight I can't blame caffeine. In this case it is anxiety. I lost last week in class because of my illness, so I've been avoiding confronting the teacher about making up missed tests. I took one test, then got sick and missed another whole week after vowing I wouldn't. I promised myself I would go to class Monday, but I felt so worn and my head was pounding so badly that I just stayed in my office. But I know, I HAVE to catch up. I'm so close to my goal. I NEED to have finished these classes so I can take the "Train the trainer" boot camp in July! I wish I could kick myself into action!

I had hoped to get us (me, Mike and Vlad) reservations at our Culinary Arts dinner tonight, but, alas, no more reservations were being taken. The students prepare gourmet meals every Tuesday night and for Fat Tuesday they had an especially posh selection of appetizers and entrees. Alas.

So we went to Yamato's. Mike wanted hibachi and no one was going to say no! :) So we had an especially elegant meal for no apparent reason in the middle of the week! Oh, man, my stomach is FULL! I had filet mignon and scallops. Exquisite! I must pay penance with some extra healthy and light meals for the rest of the week!

like rapunzel
from my high tower
i let down my hair
yet another night passes
and no hero is there
where is my knight in armor
my honor to defend
where is the hero to rescue me
and make this story happily end

8-March-2000, Wednesday

Good news! Last minute bidding drove my laptop to $590. Since Librettos like mine normally go for $400, I got an exceptional price--I think it's all the extras I had for my computer that attracted buyers. Finally, some much needed cash! I wouldn't have been suffering so badly after Christmas except that deals kept getting delayed and money I thought was coming in simply didn't. Now all my little deals are finally trickling in and with some luck, with the next paycheck, I'll be back on financial track, knock wood! The next thing of mine to go up on the auction block is my complete set of first edition Pokemon cards. I checked the auction site and noticed someone else, an experienced card salesman, selling their complete set with a minimum bid of $950. I'm keeping my eye on that sale! If he sells his set, mine is going, too! Between Mike and I, we have two complete sets of these cards!

I finally faced my fears. Tonight I sat in on Mike and Vlad's class and the teacher let me take a few more tests. Another 2 down, 4 more and a final to go. I got a definition confused in my head, so these grades were disappointing, 88 and 80. Tomorrow I'm going to try and take two more tests, maybe three, with the goal of taking the final on Friday. I've got to keep my long-term goal fixed in my mind!

Our friend Tedy came back from Mardi Gras in New Orleans full of tales! I haven't gotten a chance to quiz him personally, but according to Vlad, Tedy couldn't believe the things people were willing to do for beads! Evidently the latest complement to the traditional "Show us your tits!" is "Show us your [pardon the venacular] dick!" People were giving/getting blow jobs in the street, walking around with their waterworks dangling from their flies. I guess I need to take a camera next year and witness these scandalous goings on for myself! ::wink::

Oh, I have to thank Sk8trDad for pointing out I had overwritten February's notes with March's. Problem corrected! Oh, Friday I saw a van with the license plate "SK8TR MA." I wonder if it's any relation... ;P

It's been a dry week for verse, that's for sure. I had a wonderful idea in the middle of the day and had actually written a few lines in my head, but I was standing in the midst of the parking lot with nothing to write on, so, alas, the work was lost. Sadly, the best stuff comes spontaneously like that; I must remember to have something to write on at all times! So, having flubbed my earlier attempt, I have 32 minutes to come up with something...

mirror, mirror
i can see
someone sad
looking at me

reaching out
i try to touch
the crying girl
who hurts so much

but all i feel
is cold hard glass
an unyielding barrier
i cannot pass

foreheads pressed
hand touches hand
we're the only ones
who can understand

eye to eye
we stop to stare
at the illusion
someone cares

9-March-2000, Thursday

...silly metaphor...

flotsam and jetsam
the memories bob up and down
through the shiny soap bubbles
in the great bathtub of my mind
the good times are little yellow rubber duckies
skimming across the top of the foam
the bad ones gray submarines lurking under the suds
inevitably to be sat upon
and death is the great drain
waiting to suck me in

Very silly, but time is running out and I spent too much time playing with Adobe Photoshop. :) It was, in all, a good day.

I subbed for a Intro to Programming class, helping students with their Turbo Pascal programs. Scope of variables, the difference between local and global variables, was a real problem for many students, as was the concept of understanding the difference between the logical name of a file and the physical name of the file. I really enjoy seeing light bulbs come on for people, even if it is of low wattage. The two classes and three hours went by quickly.

I took the rest of the day off. It was glorious outside, sunny, balmy, just perfect "pop-the-T-tops" weather for driving. I drove about and just felt good about being alive and free on a Thursday afternoon. I spent the afternoon playing with cats and goofing off, working on Mike's web page, bits and pieces of my own page, scouting out new ideas, downloading cool new Palm apps for my Visor. Just kinda doing my own thing.

"Pokemon Stadium" came in today. :) I'm looking forward to sitting down and battling with the Pokemon from my Gameboy cartridge. :)

10-March-2000, Friday

Jewelled star cities
Up in the sky
You number beyond trillions
And here on earth I
Am one little dust mote
In infinity
Daring to dream
I will live to see
A day when we are neighbors

Today Vlad, Dave and I took Blanche and Sydney to the vet. Talk about some panicked and unhappy meowing! They definitely did not enjoy the car ride! Blanche shook and Sydney cried the entire way there. Thank goodness, it was only a few miles away! When the veterinarian's assistants took the cats out to play with them, Blanche was okay, but Syd couldn't wait to run back into the pet carrier. Interestingly, on the way back, it was old hat for Blanche, who is the adventurous one, but it was still traumatic for Syd. And when we took them into the house, Syd ran and hid behind a stack of boxes where no one could get to her and meowed plaintively and sulked for 30 minutes. You KNEW she was upset because even the sound of the Pounce cannister being shaken failed to lure her out of hiding! When Sydney misses a snack, you know something is wrong! Officially, Sydney is 8.5 pounds and Blanche is 6.5 pounds, relatively small cats, though Syd is a giant next to svelte Blanche.

11-March-2000, Saturday

dreams of falling
the wind whipping my hair
against my face
blinding me
as I plummet
through the cold air
flailing, madly
no cat nor bird am i
fear engulfs me
i won't land on my feet
nor spread wings at the last
I can only fall and fall
and hope to wake

We saw "Mission to Mars" today. Screw the critics, I loved it. I thought more than anything it was about the human spirit. It was much more accessible than "2001: A Space Odyssey." It was like a good hard-core science fiction book. I know the guys at slashdot.org are ragging on the film, but I saw the same thing happen to "Apollo 13." People get so caught up on the details they miss the story.

Beautiful effects, a wonderful vision of what the international space station could be like. And for once, we're not trying to blow away aliens. :) I didn't expect every detail to be fact-checked and I didn't want to see every explanation of how something was done, which is evidently the gripe of the slashdot group. I go to movies to see a good story, and if I'm lucky, I feel better about humanity when I leave the theatre. "Mission to Mars" gave me that uplift. I mean, isn't that what we'd like humanity to be, especially our astronauts, resourceful, yearning to know what lies beyond, willing to meet other life-forms with open minds?

Evidently, I'm not alone in my regard for the movie. The critics may have panned this one, but the theatre was packed at the Saturday matinee. Mike and Vlad also enjoyed it a great deal.

I started getting a migraine after the movie. I had the beginnings of one before the movie and sitting down in a dark cool place seemed to help, but once I started walking around, the pounding started again. I've got some odd issues still going on after the flu, the worst of which is an occasional, odd, unpleasant tingling in my sinuses when I move my head suddenly, almost like a static shock inside my upper palate. Weird.

12-March-2000, Sunday

Heh.

Yeah, that's what I said.

Heh.

I'm not getting much sleep lately.

I've rediscovered my desktop computer. I've forgotten how much I love my flat panel monitor, my honking SoundBlaster Live Platinum sound card. I've been spending a lot of time getting the homebox back into shape, updating apps, transferring info from my laptop and the big box AND playing games. It's been a long time since I just sat and played games on my computer. :)

My mood has been doing the roller coaster thang again. Annoying. But sitting in front of the 'puter and just having fun again helps relieve the dark shadows I feel waiting on fringes of my mind.

The only problem is when I stop, when my mind has time to start turning on itself again, my personal darkness starts to engulf me.

So I stay busy, busy, busy. It's like I don't dare sleep. But on the bright side, I'm winning, dammit! I've not given in to the darkness.

It's just kinda rough. I went to bed at 3:30 AM this morning. And woke up 6:30 AM. I'm moving slow today.

Officially, I guess it was just me on "Drowning Mona." I got e-mail from Dale confirming he thought the movie was hilarious. Ah, well, what do I know, right? Anyone else out there seen it? I'd like to know if I'm in the vast minority with a larger sampling size. :)

walls and boundaries
fences and gates
artificial separators
among the community of man

fake smiles and false laughter
white lies and insincere words
artificial separators
between you and i

blood has been shed
for less than these
arbitrary definitions
of us and them, you and i

13-March-2000, Monday

It's Monday of Spring Break and I'm sitting in my office, mellow, downloading a 650 meg ISO image of a Linux distribution CD (Mandrake Linux, if you are curious--it seems to do a better job of auto detecting devices and I've had no luck with Red Hat and DFP support). I am also absurdly happy. I have practically the full bandwidth of my institution's T1 to myself today. :) So my downloads are flying. I'm only here for a bit, just to goof off, download, burn a CD of my downloads and then go home. In the meantime, I wander in and out, hitting the stores, basking in the sunlight. It's a good day. :)

My office is next to the "Guest Suite" of my institution. It's a posh version of what my boss and I share--that is, a former double dorm room set up as a hotel room with sitting room/bedroom for visiting dignitaries/VIPs/whoever. Anyway, the guy is evidently a master musician. He's practicing his saxophone and, man, the guy can play! Oh, there's nothing like a well-played sax! He's wrapping those notes around and around like no one's business. I feel privileged, like I'm having my own private concert. I don't even know who he is, just that he's just making a beautiful, mellow day even better when its own special soundtrack. Wail, baby, wail!

Another late night. I went to bed at 4:20 AM. Woke up at 7:30 AM. I can't keep doing this, I know. My mind is on fire sometimes. There is so much to do, to finish, to start. My Visor's to-do list program is chock-full of stuff I want to accomplish on my long week off.

I'm proud of myself. I finally started my new fitness program, alternating weights and aerobics each day. I have the desire to stick to the program. :) Of course, the test is a Friday and Saturday night...when I'm with the gang and the pressure is heavy to have a big meal. :) We'll see....but I think this time I'm ready to change my ways...

Later:

Oooo, I hurt! But in a good way. :) Did an upper body workout with weights. It's appalling how weak I've become, shoulders especially. My goal when all is said and done is to look good in a swimsuit and be able to do a push-up. I've never at any point in my life been able to do a single push-up, unless you count "girly push-ups", where you support yourself with your knees and hands instead of hands and toes.

Taking charge of my life, actually working actively to change the things I'm not happy with, taking the time to do the things *I* want to do, things I've meant to do for ages, gives me a good feeling. For instance, I always drag my laptop everywhere, hoping I'll get a chance to work on my projects when we're not doing anything special, just sitting around watching TV, but I never seem to get around to it. Lately, I've actually been pulling the laptop out, I mean, gosh, I do multi-task, after all! It's been...good... I've been using the Visor to shape what I want to accomplish and it's starting to become second nature: plan, break it down to smaller parts and reward myself when I accomplish what I want (the reward is usually the satisfaction of being able to check the item off my to-do list).

Today I finally started planting the sunflower seeds I bought two weeks ago. Three different kinds of sunflowers: the towering giants, assorted medium-sized sunflowers, and another assortment of red and orange sunflowers. Next I'm thinking strawberries in a nice window box. :)

Other projects include setting up Linux again and getting a proxy server running on my desktop so I can connect to the internet from the laptop and share the connection. ::laughs:: How lazy do you have to be when you're not willing to get up from the bed to use your computer which is only 6 feet away?

I got my hair trimmed today. Tomorrow I'll probably try highlighting my hair for the very first time. :) Just playing with my whole image, I guess. :) As I may have mentioned earlier, it's not a drastic change in color, just a barely perceptible shade redder. I did a test swatch of hair Sunday night and, honestly, I could barely tell a difference between the hair on my head and the swatch that was dyed. I guess the real change will be the covering up of the silver streak in my hair. I started getting silver in my hair when I was 13 years old, so it'll be interesting not to have my silver strands any more.

Well, I'm actually going to try and sleep at a decent hour tonight. Good night!

it doesn't have to be
the same way forever
i need only make the decision
it's time to change
and to find
the courage of my convictions

14-March-2000, Tuesday

Apropos of nothing...

In the sudden silences of my solitude
I close my eyes and think of you
And then you are with me
That is
Your presence is so vivid
I hear your voice and every inflection
I see you smile
And hear you reply
To my
Unvoiced thoughts
Though you are not here
You are here
An apparition of sorts
And I am happily haunted

I suppose I should pay more attention to work e-mail... My mysterious saxophonist revealed:

Jazz great Plas Johnson will be the featured soloist at the Pensacola Civic Band's concert at 7:30 p.m. Tuesday, March 14, at the Saenger Theatre. Admission is $5. The "Mancini Magic" concert will feature music of the great film composer Henry Mancini among other selections. Mancini favorites "Moon River," "Baby Elephant Walk," "Days of Wine and Roses" and "The Theme from the Pink Panther" will be performed. Johnson was the sax soloist on the original recording of Mancini's famous "Pink Panther" movie theme and Johnson is the saxophone counterpart to Harry "Sweets" Edison's trumpet on Neal Hefti's signature music for "The Odd Couple" television series. Johnson can be heard on the albums of Frank Sinatra, Peggy Lee, Nat King Cole, Barbra Streisand, Quincy Jones, Ray Charles, Ella Fitzgerald, Linda Ronstadt and Sarah Vaughn. Johnson's recent recording includes his own album, "Hot, Blue & Saxy."

I ran into Mr. Johnson as he left the guest suite to go to rehearsal. I had to tell him it was a true pleasure and privilege to hear him practice. He smiled. I'm sure he hears stuff like that all the time, but I feel it's important to express these things when you get the chance. It's part of my "stop being so damn shy" campaign. :)

Later:

My name is Jamey Dee and I am an Idiot. Note, not idiot, small "i", but Idiot, emphasized and capitalized. Admitting there is a problem is the beginning to solving the problem. Hence, my confession, my profession, my assertation.

Why am I ranting? Well...because I am an idiot. My Libretto 50CT absolutely had to be mailed today. Last night I made good use of my insomnia and spent the wee hours of the morning formatting and reinstalling the machine to return it to its pristine state. It was ready to be mailed.

So I get to work and I notice some little detail that bothers me about the installation of Windows. I HAVE to fiddle; the irritating detail can be easily solved with a drivers disk that originally came with the machine. No big deal, right? WRONG! It IS WinBlows, after all. So I install the driver and Windows tells me it needs to reboot. No problem, right? WRONG! Every time Windows starts to load, I get an immediate blue screen of death. ARGH! So I reinstall on top of the old installation because I don't have a CD-ROM that fits on this particular laptop--I have to install from the hard drive, which means, I can't format and start from scratch. I thought reinstalling would solve the problem. WRONG! So I have to manually delete all the Windows directories EXCEPT the install directory. Bah humbug. And then I reinstall again. Now, honestly, this wouldn't be so bad, but each time Windows has to reinstall, it does a ScanDisk. On an old machine like my Pentium 75 Libretto, this is painfully slow. Let me put it this way, on my P2/450 megahertz machine at work, I can STILL get a cup of coffee (that is, if I still drank coffee) in the time it takes for Windows to finish scanning my 3 hard drives. On the original hard drive, which was 880 megs, this wasn't too bad, but since I've replaced the 880 with a 4.3 gig, oh, man, a complete run of ScanDisk takes over 30 minutes, and that's BEFORE the actual copying of files takes place! Agony! It took 4 tries to fix the problem!

I also had to pick up a replacement power cable at Radio Shack before I could mail the computer off. Not a big deal. I thought I could save time by popping across the street to the mall while ScanDisk was running. As I said, not a big deal. Or rather, it wasn't until I walked out of my office building (the door locking behind me) and realized I had no keys. I couldn't raise our security guys--we have rent-a-cops on the weekend--to unlock the doors. Luckily, I had my cell phone. I actually had to call my boss, who fortunately lives only two or three miles away, and beg him to come save me. He was a good sport about it.

By now, I had a raging headache. Vlad kindly took the computer to be mailed by Airborne Express. Mike and I went briefly to The Nature Store, which is having a huge clearance sale in the wake of being converted to a "The Discovery Channel Store." Along with a nice lavender-scented eye-pillow and a set of semi-precious beads, I bought a cute knickknack for Vlad to thank him for taking care of the sale and decided to leave it for him at his place when I fed the cats. It SEEMED like a good idea at the time.

So, I drove over the Vlad's place, fed the outdoor cats, petted the indoor cats, left the gift on the table, grabbed some groceries I had forgotten to take home this past weekend when we all went shopping (assorted flavors of low-fat and fat-free yogurt), armed the alarm and locked the door. I got to my car door and realized... I'd done it again. ARGH!

So there I was, locked out in the chilly night air in t-shirt and shorts, a bag of yogurt containers, my cell phone and a spoon. Hey, at least I had a spoon! I tried to call Vlad's cell phone multiple times, but got no answer. I called Mike and he offered to come get me, but also suggested I try calling Dale's place on the long shot Vlad had gone there. THANK GOD, Mike was right. So poor Vlad had to drive a goodly distance (Dale lives on the other side of town) to rescue me. During that time, I did step aerobics on Vlad's porch to stay warm and then totally blew the effort by eating cold "Yoplait Low-Fat, Custard-Style, Orange Cream-Flavored" yogurt. :) Of course, because I was completely alone and a captive audience, none of the outdoor cats showed up to keep me company. Now, have me be in a hurry and under pressure to get someplace in a timely manner, and both RK and Butch will there in a heartbeat! Anyway, Vlad and Dale were flexible, they just decided to hang out at Vlad's place instead of Dale's. I still felt really bad about the inconvenience I had put everyone through today!

::heavy sigh::

So I ran by Wal-Mart to cheer up. I know that sounds silly, but I like walking through our local superstore and getting ideas of things I want to do. I had an epiphany while wandering through the aisles, that I, Jamey Dee, at this late date in life, am turning into a girly-girl. I mean, I've been a jock and geekette for a long time, but suddenly here I am, buying little hair trinkets and actually wearing them, looking at makeup, pondering a dye job, working hard at weights and aerobics... Frankly, it's scaring me. Next thing you know, I'll be buying "Cosmopolitan" for the quizzes.

So I bought a different shade of hair coloring than what I had originally planned on trying... I actually picked a shade bolder and brighter. I also bought some protein shake mix, body glitter, more hair clips. :)

Ah, but let me add to the whole horror of the day, not only did I lock myself out of my car and in the great outdoors TWICE, I also realized several days after the fact that I couldn't find my very expensive and beloved Olympus C2000 digital camera. I ransacked my office and car, checked Vlad's place and then Mike's car. No luck. I spent all day taking the optimistic view that I had just not packed it into my backpack as I normally did and that it was sitting at home.

So after Wal-Mart, I ran through the house looking for my camera. Not here. My blood ran cold. I sat down and thought, where was the last place I took pictures? Last Friday, Dave, Vlad and I had gone to a Tex-Mex restaurant and I had fun taking pictures there. Afterwards, I checked my P.O. Box and then we wandered to "Michael's," a hobby and craft store, before ending up at Target. Thinking back, I remember distinctly having the camera on the way to Michael's, but not at Target. So I called Michael's. Pay dirt! The manager said he kinda hoped no one would ask about the camera. :) So there was a happy ending.

Finally, I came home and buried myself under the covers before anything else could happen. But I got antsy, so I broke out the hair coloring and just did it. :) Actually, I can't really tell the difference. I'll have to see if anyone local notices it.

15-March-2000, Wednesday

lighter than air
i soar in my dreams
on feathered wings
courtesy of my down pillow

16-March-2000, Thursday

sometimes beauty strikes me like a knife
slicing through my defenses
mortally wounded, i collapse
the pain so acute
i can barely continue to exist
the longing so intense
to have had a hand
in the creation of something so wondrous
these hands seem so useless
compared to the hands that wrought
this work of wonder

17-March-2000, Friday

flashing neon
twinkling lights
and the constant
ca-ca-ca-ching, ca-ching!
every day's a party
at the casino

but behind the gaiety
lies quiet desperation
fortunes balanced
on the draw of the card,
the turn of a wheel,
the roll of a die

figures furtively finger
the coin slots
and check for credits
carelessly left behind
hoping for one last shot
at redemption

On the way back from New Orleans:

Mike and Dave in front of Harrah's Casino in New Orleans

When you looked up, you could see stars...

I tempt fate... :)

Of course, we had to visit the scene of my tragic fall...

I've had a good day, yet oddly enough, I don't want to write about it yet. The van is rocking and jouncing, and not conducive to writing about events I want to savor.

It's rather odd, I just realized that one of the least used applications on my laptop is the word processor. I use a plain vanilla text editor for almost everything. I mean, I don't have privately written thoughts anymore, everything I write these days ends up on the web. I don't need the fancy frills; I just need letters going up on a white screen with the least amount of distraction. I was thinking, in the old days, I started off typing on a manual typewriter. I never did get an electric. Pretty much, I went from a manual typewriter to writing in Scripsit and SuperScripsit on the TRS-80 Models I, II, III & IV, to the C64, to the Apple IIe,IIc and GS, and then to the Amiga and IBM. In each transition, as more features were added to the word processors as machines progressed, my output decreased. Why? I guess I got hung up on the details, the prettiness of the output. So I've come full circle, I'm back down to a text editor named TextPad when I'm not actually writing on paper. I write my thoughts out normally and then go back and add the HTML. It seems to help, keeping my environment simple. I'm becoming a f*king ascetic!

I've been working on Mike's new page. I got my Javascript all screwed up on the trip to New Orleans; I really shouldn't have tried to do programming while sleepy! :)

18-March-2000, Saturday

The view from Vlad's dad's boat...I would have taken a full panorama, but my batteries died!

Vlad steered us home.

skimming across a clear blue sea
a boat, some sails, the wind and me
salty spray, a crisp wet breeze
no worries, no cares
a life of ease

19-March-2000, Sunday

Isn't it always the way? I have 11 days off from work, I spend the first 8 days in absolute idleness and then *BAM*, all the factors line up correctly (the sun, the moon and the planets perfectly align, a butterfly lands on a rock in Spain, Sally picks up her fork with her left rather than her right hand, Yang spills his rice on the floor, a bird lands on George's head, that kind of thing...) and suddenly, the 9th and 10th days are filled with frantic fun that leaves me exhausted in time to go back to work! A classic example of the cliche, "I need a vacation from my vacation!"

Mind you, I'm not complaining. I had two absolutely wonderful days! Friday, I went to New Orleans and then Biloxi. Sadly, Vlad couldn't come; last minute Thursday afternoon he got yanked into an emergency project at work and couldn't get away. So it was Dave, Mike and I. The plan was to wander through New Orleans and have dinner in Biloxi.

March is the perfect time of year to go to New Orleans. The crushing heat and humidity haven't hit yet and there's a nicely cool breeze off the water. This time I managed NOT to fall into any fountains. :) We wandered through the new casino across from the Riverwalk Mall, "Harrah's." HUGE! Slots and gaming tables as far as the eye could see. Of course, I wasn't much up for gambling, only having $30 to spend on the trip, but I pulled a few handles just for fun. Dave did an impulse bet at the roulette table and doubled his money on the way out.

So what did we do in New Orleans? Goof off, shop, wander through the French Market (Pete sent us on an errand for spices at a particular shop). Then we headed for Biloxi, where we had dinner at the Grand Casino. They have a spectacular buffet at the Grand, though I think the food at Beau Rivage Casino is better. The Grand seemed overloaded; not enough employees. Service was awful at the restaurant and on the gaming floor. I saw several people who hit jackpots wait over 30 minutes for an attendant to come pay them their winnings.

Mike was on fire for the first 15 minutes in the casino. One set of machines featured a Harley Davidson for the big jackpot and Mike immediately hit 3 sevens on the first pull and had several other small wins on the same machine. Not bad, 3 quarters became 150 quarters, but then got down to 100 quarters before he walked away.

So no great revelations, no particularly interesting tales to tell. Just some honest fun without spending very much money.

Now yesterday was pretty close to perfect. Vlad's dad invited us to go boating with him and some of his friends. It was sunny and breezy and cool. It's been ages since I was last on a boat; I'd forgotten how much I love being on water...it's in my blood, my people were islanders...I'm happiest near salt water. We toured the intercoastal waters of Perdido Bay. As the day wore on, it got overcast and cold and the water got choppy, but I loved every minute of it, climbing the sides of the boat to sit on the bow, getting sea spray on my face, the rocking up and down. We eventually threw anchor at the "Pirate Cove Yacht Club," one of the most disreputable, sea-battered shanties I'd ever seen. Inside didn't look much better, but it turns out, as Vlad's dad promised, they had the greatest cheeseburgers!

On the way back I was sleepy and full and found the rocking motion of the boat so relaxing that it put me out completely. I fell asleep with my head on the table in the cabin and was so thoroughly out of things that I slept through the boat running aground on a sandbar and some engine trouble. It wasn't until I heard someone say they had spotted dolphins that I finally woke up!

I was, for once, completely at peace with life, the universe, and everything.

That's the life I want, somewhere on the water, a boat ever at ready to take me out into the midst of the constantly changing sea.

The odd thing was last night, after a wonderful day, the first really, truly restful sleep (on the boat) that I've had in ages, I had a nightmare in my own bed. A lucid nightmare, if you can imagine such a thing. I was dreaming about something inconsequential when the edges of my dream reality started to melt and flow. I didn't realize until this happened that I was dreaming. I felt a cold terror go through me as my world started to flow like watercolors in the rain. Then I realized, "Hey, this isn't real. I have no reason to be frightened!" But my terror continued, despite my realization. I fought for control of my dream against...I don't know...what felt like a faceless evil. I told myself, "Put yourself in a good place, think of the boat, the soothing rocking, visualize the boat!" I struggled, the sea scene replacing the melting world and then flickering out again. The battle for control continued for what seemed eternity, as the terror built up. Finally, exhausted, I won my struggle, and collapsed into a restful sleep.

Today was a lazy day, a day of recovery. :) We made a run to Circuit City to order an i-Opener net appliance. It's a thin-client internet machine running QNX off SANFlash, but it can easily be hacked to add a hard drive and turned into a full-blown computer. It's a geek thing to do. :) We went DVD-mad while we were there, I finally picked up a DVD of Madonna's videos from 1993 to 1999. I love her visuals. Mike and Vlad both picked up several DVDs for their respective collections as well.

The guys made a terrific dinner, grilling some chicken breasts and making a spicy Mexican rice dish. I felt absolutely spoiled!

in the heat of the rush
so much gets left unspoken
so many thoughts unfinished
so many deeds undone
if only i could slow down time
extend a moment here and there
long enough to make sure you know
i love you

I feel the shadows pursing me, the cold fingers of despair reaching out towards me. I fight it. I maniacally pursue my interests, keep busy. I flee from its grasp.

I meant to do so much this past week. And I actually did accomplish a great deal, but most of what I did was to catch up with all the things I should have done prior. Very little of it was the NEW items on my to do list. At least the major things were done. For the first time in 6 months, all my damn hardware in my home computer works! All the drivers are working, no more conflicts. In other words, HOMECAM WORKS! Now, to get around to turning it on! :)

the day fades
the edges of reality
slowly melt
the menacing whispers build
the essential wrongness
terrifies me
as i awake
into my nightmare

21-March-2000, Tuesday

Erase me from reality.
Pull my thread from the skein of life.
I DON'T WANT TO BE HERE.
Existentialism.
I choose NOT to be.
For today, anyway.
The shadows win.

22-March-2000, Wednesday

I'm better today, thank you. I had a very shaky day Tuesday. The kind of day where I'm driving and wondering what would it hurt if I drove into a light pole. One of those "crying-in-my-locked-office" days. I finally bailed out after lunch. I'm not going to go into it much more than that. Frankly, the topic of my depressive states bores even me; I can't imagine how it must bore you!

Today after work, we went to Sam's Warehouse and I picked up "The Pokemon Movie" DVD. At Sam's, I started sneezing like I had snorted black pepper. We're talking sneezing to the point where people stopped in their tracks to stare. We're talking two dozen sneezes IN A ROW. Multiple times. Barely able to catch breath before the next set of sneezes. Sneezing to the point of pain. I dug through my purse and found an emergency supply of Tylenol Allergy Sinus tablets.

a daily battle
i gird myself for war
each morning
bedecked in armor
covering all
vulnerable spots
weapon drawn
and at the ready
shield in hand
thus prepared
to face life

23-March-2000, Thursday

sour

emily dickinson said
hope is a thing with feathers
implying, a thing that soars
i agree
hope is a thing with feathers
fluttering, elusive, winging
always out of reach
never to be caught
and occasionally dropping
a little present on your head

Today they are supposed to install the DSL line for rearwindow.com! Hurrah! Finally, freedom! Control! I worry a bit about the bandwidth, but if worse comes to worse, I'll farm out the cam picture to a bigger bandwidth site.

Big changes are coming. Expect some broken links. I'm revamping the internal organization of my site for easier maintenance.

24-March-2000, Friday

Two thoughts for the weekend:

"ROMEO MUST DIE"

and

it's a sad thing to realize you've cribbed from yourself. I read over March 16th's poem and realized it was a lot like my own poem I quoted last month. Argh!

More later. Pics to be added to above entries. Check back after midnight tonight CST. :)

It's laaaaater!

Sorry for the big graphic downloads. I optimized them as best I could with Adobe ImageReady, but I didn't want to lose too much detail.

rhyming is nice
but not my aim
nor is rocking you
with sing-song rhythm
rather i wish to jar
you into thinking
or into dreaming
anything to shake you
from indifference

25-March-2000, Saturday

Romeo Must Die...

Sometimes I truly despair of Hollywood ever truly understanding how to photograph a martial arts film. The mind set is so...MTV...quickcuts, jittery hand-held camera work, odd angles, dark sets, flashy special effects... What Jet Li and the other martial artists can do is a special effect in and of itself--it doesn't need all the other trappings. The camera shouldn't be obtrusive during a fight scene, it should pull back and let the fighting speak for itself! "The Matrix" is how it can be done right and still be flashy. "Romeo Must Die" is how you DON'T do it. You couldn't really see a lot of the moves, the gimmicky camera work cut off the full-body movement. It was frustrating.

The movie was a bit slow in parts, but enjoyable. Jet Li has a odd charisma; he's got such a boyish face that he can get away with being in his late 30's and still be a Romeo figure to his 20-something leading lady. I wish they had developed the romance a bit more; I mean, he risks his life for her and they never even kiss during the movie. There are holes you could drive a truck through in the plot; a lot of "How Could He Know That?" moments you wonder about. Oh, and SF mentioned it on the board and I have to say I never honestly noticed before, but it's true, Russell Wong is a very good-looking guy. :)

In all, the movie is a bit of a disappointment. I find I can't shake the feeling it would have been much better had it been made by a Hong Kong film crew. But I still hope it makes enough money to help Jet Li get established in Hollywood and gain more creative control.

And since I've got movies on the brain, I'm still very surprised at the choice of Julianne Moore as the replacement for Jodie Foster in the sequel to "The Silence of the Lambs," "Hannibal." It's quite a mental leap. I guess I was braced for Ashley Judd as Clarice.

Still in the cinematic mode, I finally decided what my favorite, all-time movie is... :) It's funny, I ask people and ask people what theirs is, and no one can tell me. No one wants to commit to a single choice. Now if I say, give me your Top 10, I get more answers. I decided I wouldn't be wishy-washy anymore, after all, I'm trying to know myself again. The movie I can watch over and over and over again, the one that stays with me, that has influenced me the most is...

...

...

There are movies I love, like "Age of Innocence" and "Dangerous Liaisons" and "Casablanca," and "Vertigo" and "Rear Window" and "The Wizard of Oz" and "Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory" and many, many others, but, dammit, Indiana Jones won my heart at a young age! :) Marianne was my hero, a tough-talking heroine who was every bit Indy's equal (which was why "Temple of Doom" was such a disappointment, with Kate Capshaw's Willie being such a...a...bimbo!). I saw this movie with every friend I could drag with me and even my parents. After the movie, I went out and spent my entire paycheck on a Stetson (not the cheap knock-offs that Disney now sells) Indiana Jones fedora that I wore for almost a decade until I lost it in 1997 on Splash Mountain in Orlando. (I was distraught for weeks! It's irreplaceable! You can't get them anymore!) This movie had everything for me, in bold, emphasized print: HIGH ADVENTURE! ROMANCE! DERRING-DO! It was such a wonderful tribute to all the old classic films I had watched after school on the television; I understood instinctively what Spielberg was doing with this movie. At the time (and I saved all the clippings) the critics complained about it being such a throwback, a cliche of the old adventure movies. What they missed is that was the point! It was a harkening to a more innocent time, and unlike many movies that came after it, the horrible movies starring Richard Chamberlain as Alan Quartermaine come to mind, it didn't mock its genre, but, rather, lovingly embraced it.

:P So there, a piece of Jamey Dee trivia, my favorite movie is "Raiders of the Lost Ark," with no regret, no apology. :)

Tonight I'm on fire. I tried writing a poem and I tossed out a few lines and I figured out the essential wrongness of what I was doing... It wasn't a poem, it was a story!!! Another door opens, another wall breached! I'll include the poem here, because I did promise, a poem a day for a year, good or bad, but it actually is the tiniest germ of a much bigger story in my head!

Once upon a time
The Beast's men came for me
Scorning even the cover of darkness
For their nefarious deeds
They came to my father's castle
And dragged me away by the light of day
My father, the king, only sagged
Against the door frame, watching wordlessly
I had been bartered for or sold
I knew not which

He locked me away,
The Beast, but at least
I was well cared for
Food appeared, was taken away
By unseen hands
Still, I railed at the injustice
I pounded the doors, the walls,
Screamed, demanded, begged
For freedom

He came at last,
The Beast, to mock me,
I believe, to glory in my pain
I rushed at him with nails like claws
To scratch away the light in his eyes
"Do what you will, you Beast,
But you will not walk away unharmed."
He merely caught my wrists
And held me still
Until I quieted
And then he left

Time passed impossibly slowly
In my prison room
True, it was luxuriously appointed
I had a balcony upon which to sit
That I might see the skies and trees
And silks and jewels to adorn myself
I was a bird in a gilded cage
But still I knew myself
To be enslaved

He returned to me,
The Beast, again to gloat,
He said nothing, simply looked at me
Eyes shining, full of nameless things
I grabbed my mirror and threw it at him
Any anything else I could reach
Cursing madly, damning him to every torment
I could imagine.
He stood still, absorbing the blows,
Until panting, I could throw no more,
And then he left

It was the third visit
The Beast, he spoke at last,
"Belle, do you remember our wedding,
The bells rang, your father gave you away,
And we wed, even though your sickness
grew worse day, your father knew
I would care for you even in your madness.
Do you remember love?
Can you try to remember?
Would you be happier if I sent you away
From this home we chose together?"

The spell was broken
I saw before me not a beast
But a young man I had once known
And it came back to me
In a kaleidoscopic whirl
Of visions and half-remembered conversations.
Reese, no beast, but my fiance,
Looking at me with patience and compassion
No beast, but beautiful,
In his immense capacity for hope and love

And I realized
I had confused the story all along
For I was no beauty
No victimized princess in jeopardy
The truth was
I had been the beast
Full of hate and violence
Under a spell so deep
I did not know I was bewitched
But the handsome prince broke the enchantment
With patience and love
And we lived happily ever after.

26-March-2000, Sunday

Today was my private movie screening day. :) Well, actually, Vlad and Mike had to work this afternoon, so I spent my time playing with the cats and watching some DVDs that I have wanted to watch and didn't want to inflict on the guys, "The Lady and the Highwayman" starring a very young Hugh Grant and Emma Samms, and Jean Cocteau's "Beauty and the Beast."

Oh, I admit a weakness for Hugh Grant; I'm an Anglophile, I can't help it! Besides, the DVD only cost me $9.99 and tax! :) The film is based on a Barbara Cartland novel and is a light romantic adventure. Hugh plays Lucius Vine, a nobleman turned dashing highwayman in the time of King Charles II. Emma Samms is the conniving Lady Castlemaine and Lysette Anthony plays her naive rival at court. It's rather striking, Hugh's voice is a bit higher in this film and he hasn't gotten the "toff" accent down as he does now. Also, there is no trace of the now trademark stammer. I think he does it because it's expected of him now; in his earlier, more serious films, he didn't have it. Anyway, it was a fun, escapist movie.

I *had* to watch "Beauty and the Beast" after last night's burst of inspiration. I've only written a few paragraphs, but I have the plot in my head; I'm letting my subconscious work out the details. Anyway, the movie is in French and subtitled in English. Wonderful visuals, dream-like and haunting. The statues in the Beast's castle watch you with glowing eyes and steaming breath and the scones are held by arms protruding from the walls. Even the food is served by disembodied hands. The Beast gives Beauty his magic glove which teleports her instantly from place to place; there's a wonderful scene where she appears through a wall. I bought the movie after reading a wonderful essay by Roger Ebert recommending it. I'm happy I did.

[Editor's note: Poem to be inserted when I find the stupid piece of paper I wrote it on...]

27-March-2000, Monday

I fell in love with a glance
But I should have stopped and stared
Maybe then I might have realized
What I saw wasn't really there

I fell in love with the image
Of what I thought you would be
I didn't take the time to think
That it might be far from reality

I was far too young and impetuous
And it happened in such a blur
I never even noticed the knight inside
I was too bedazzled by the shining armor

But still in dreams the face of love
Wears your handsome face
And in my wildest fantasies
Your image retains its place

You needn't be smug,
Because in the end it isn't really you
But rather only someone
You have a striking resemblance to.

Blame the *$#@&*!*#$ high school reunion notice for that! Got the second notice in the mail recently. Things I'd rather not remember have been getting churned up in the maelstrom of my mind.

Unrequited passion. There's always that one person you wish you had snagged once-upon-a-time. Not because you really want them NOW, but because then you wouldn't have to wonder for the rest of your life, "What might have been?" or "What would it have been like?" Well, in my case, I had my shot at least twice, if not three times, at this person over a period of several years. I was blocked by circumstance the first time, was DENSE AS A BRICK the second time and didn't even realize I had an opening, and hesitated too long the third. Three strikes and you're out! Idiot. Oh, don't misunderstand me, I'm glad I didn't end up with this person, but, doggonit, for some reason his image haunts me to this day. At one time, he was just the absolute epitome of what hits all the right buttons with me.

He doesn't read this, doesn't know it exists, even though I am in occasional touch with him. THANK GAWD. :) It would be far too embarrassing even after all these years to admit the power his boyhood face has had over me! (As several of my old high school buddies who DO read this wipe their collective brows in relief.)

Speaking of the potential ackwardness of writing about people who read your public journal...

There was an article at salon.com today about people who have lost their jobs over on-line diaries, even if they changed names and refrained from using their company's name. Frightening! Jennifer of Jennicam wrote in a recent journal entry that she can't stand writing about friends knowing her friends will read it. She asks them not to read her on-line journal. She doesn't seem to mind the rest of the world reading it, but for her to write to her friends' faces as opposed to behind their backs... :) It makes me laugh, the contradiction she presents. I'm not saying I haven't taken flack for stuff I have written about people--even when my intent was to offer tribute, no one was happy with their description.

I do occasionally worry about what might happen if the higher-ups at work ever found out about my site. I have been very careful never to mention my institution by name, though I admit it is thinly disguised. My gripes are the gripes of everyone in my job category, however. I'm not saying anything here that isn't grumbled in the hallways of every building.

This-n-that:

I've got a nasty infection in my left eye. It's itchy and feels like I have debris stuck in there, but I don't. If I rub it, the clear lining over the eye swells up horribly, so I dare not touch it. It's a torment. I know it's the result of my recent allergies. At the moment, my eye doesn't look too bad, only slightly red, as opposed to last night when it was beet red. Oh, I want to scratch it!

This morning I used a blender for the very first time. :) I never had one to use before--I mean, I have one of those hand blenders, but I never owned a real blender until recently. The protein shakes drove me to it! :) Even with a hand blender, I always had lots of lumps in my shakes, so I finally tried it in a real blender. Wow, the modern conveniences I've missed out on! :) I guess the next thing is a Cuisinart or something similar! :)

After work I started planting my sunflower seedlings. Ack, I forgot how much hard work gardening could be! I was drenched in sweat very quickly and my back ached! Afterwards I did some light upperbody work with weights. I have a feeling I'm going to hurt tomorrow!

Oh, I'm not sure I ever mentioned what happened with the dye job. My hair is, according to color matching swatches at the Clairol display, "Medium Dark Brown" with natural auburn highlights and silver streaks--think mahogany finish on wood--it's pretty close--a dark, reddish brown. I used "Level 2 Egyption Cinnaberry" Natural Essentials, a botanical dye (supposed to last 24 shampooings, roughly 5 weeks for me). I ended up with "Medium Dark Brown" hair with...magenta highlights. My silver streaks ended up a purplish magenta. :) It's not readily apparent except in direct sunlight, whereupon it all looks pretty surreal, to me at least. :) On the bright side, contrary to my expectations, my hair actually seems to have thrived on the dye job--it's bouncy and full and just, oh, so healthy-looking. I feel like a walking hair commercial. The funny thing is...it makes me look good in purple. I wore my purple sweater last week and people kept noting how well purple suited me...brought out something in my hair and skin. I had to laugh.

28-March-2000, Tuesday

It's a truly glorious day outside. I pulled up my blinds and threw my office windows open. Golden sunlight streaming through my open windows... Does wonders for the old disposition!

Since Zrix asked, I thought I'd mention, in case anyone else was wondering, the chocolate stuff you keep seeing me downing is a protein shake mix. Contrary to what I expected, I actually like the stuff a lot! It's very filling. (Met-RX)

I forgot to mention I finally did my taxes last week. The one bright side to being poor can be summed up in one word: Tele-Tax. Punch in a few numbers on a touch-tone phone and, BANG, two weeks later I get my refund direct-deposited.

[Editor's note: Poem to be inserted when I find the stupid piece of paper I wrote it on...I'm getting forgetful in my old age]

29-March-2000, Wednesday

It's official; I am recovered financially from Christmas. I finally got American Express paid. May I say, THANK GAWD!

So I sit here, broken-hearted. I spent yesterday downloading BeOS 5.0 Personal Edition, the newly open-sourced, elegant Be operating system, a mere 44 megs executable. Alas, though, it unpacks to 500 megs, far too big for my poor laptop. I'm already down to 700 megs on the laptop as it is--and as anyone who has worked with large graphic files knows, that's a drop in the bucket. I was really looking forward to having Linux (WinLinux 2000), Amiga Workbench (WinUAE/Amiga-in-a-Box) AND BeOS running on the same Win98 machine, but it's not to be. ::sniffle:: The 8 gig laptop hard drive I ordered from PC Progress is on serious backorder. We're talking MONTHS. I can't, unfortunately, find another vendor. Because of the tiny form factor of the hard drive my laptop requires (8.45mm), my choices are quite limited. I could possibly get the 6 gig drive, but there's only $50 difference between the 8 gig and the 6 gig...it seems foolish to settle for less. So I guess I'll install BeOS at home, instead. But I'm hurting for space there, too. Mike and I swapped drives...or rather, we will. I gave him my 18 gig ultra wide SCSI drive and he's going to replace it with a 20 gig EIDE drive. ::sigh:: In the meantime, I deleted my Linux partition at home so I'd have more room.

My allergies are killing me. I took one look at the cam image, swollen eyes with dark circles, red, runny nose and said, "No. Ain't gonna do it. Not no way, not no how. People's monitors will be cracking all over the globe." So, sorry, no cam today. I do have SOME pride. Pensacola Pete felt sorry for me and made a Tylenol Allergy/Sinus run. So finally things are drying up and the sneezing has abated. Next paycheck, I'm investing in a HEPA filter system for my office!

The Florida Lottery is up to $77 million; the drawing is tonight. :) I MUST remember to buy a ticket. My desires are very simple: I'd buy a house, lease a T1 to it, make a large endowment to my institution and make them name my particular area after me and then happily quit. :) I'd take care of my friends and immediate family, and then spend the rest of my life doing random acts of kindness and beauty. :)

Speaking of money, I found out the latest in the whole land sale deal. It seems (I am constantly finding out things about my family I never knew) that my great-grandfather Alexandro had a brother, Vincente. Even though Alexandro bought his land with his own money, Vincente's side of the family is trying to claim the land is theirs. ::sigh:: So a bunch of lawyers are going to get very rich as the battle for control of the land continues. As far as I know and can gather, Vincente's family doesn't have a leg to stand on, but that's not stopping them from trying, and I fear the corrupt courts there. The person with the most direct claim to the land is my grandfather's sister, Alexandro's daughter, my grand Aunt, who has stated that she defers the land to us. Ah, well, the saga continues.

In total contrast to yesterday's golden perfection, today started off overcast and has now degenerated to stormy and rainy. On the bright side, all the allergens have been beaten out of the air and into the ground. :)

[Editor's note: Poem to be inserted later because, quite frankly, I hadn't written it yet at the time of this update's uploading...]